Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess of the lives
they were given by him upstairs
and kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
What sounds on earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon, and me included,
is why pubs and drugs were kindly invented
to calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes.
You shit on our heads, but you pay the taxes.
Imagine a Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer.
Make poverty history, cheaper drugs now!
FRANK LAUGHS
Scatter.
Party!
(Frank) Forget your tracker mortgages and your ISAs,
your pension schemes,
saving for a rainy day, you know, planning for your old age.
Chances are you'll be off your fuckin' trolley anyway -
brain ravaged by dementia.
You'll have all that money in the bank but won't be able to remember
which fuckin' bank you put it in.
And even if you did, some shitbag politician
will claw the lot back in taxes.
So enjoy the here and now - this day, this minute, this second.
Carpe diem, I say!
Well, not me, you know - Seneca, to be precise. Seize the day!
Well, some of it. Obviously need to get some time out for a few scoops,
bit of shut-eye, bit of how's your pater, but you get my drift, yeah?
Drop 'em.
I said, drop 'em.
MUSIC: James Bond theme
Say my name.
Oh! Oh! Seven...and a half!
GUNSHOT
GROANS
HE MUMBLES
Oh, for God's sake.
Just pay attention a minute, we need to sort out Liam's trip tomorrow.
Are you coming or not? There needs to be a parent present and I don't want...
Norm, have you got any sticky tape? Only I want to strap this to me thigh...
What's going on?
- Right, show it me! - Give it to me!
(Carl) Pass it here, pass it here! Debbie!
(Debbie) Dad, hide it!
No! Not the school gerbil!
OK, OK! Look!
I entered Liam into a competition and he's down to the last three.
MICROWAVE BEEPS
- Blackpool. - Tomorrow.
It's to be the face of a nationwide ad campaign, but they do a few test shots,
see how he looks, make their decision.
If he wins, they do the shoot there and then.
And how come I was the last to know?!
We didn't think you'd approve.
You know, exploitation of a minor an' all.
Well, look what child stardom did to the Artful Dodger from Oliver.
You know, and then there's poor Nicholas Lyndhurst.
Well, he's not dead.
Yeah, but have you seen the fuckin' state of him?
And I get paid if I win.
So...what time do we leave?
THEY ALL SIGH
You're in sunny Ibiza and we're off to Blackpool!
I know, yeah, gutted for you. You'll walk it, Liam, mate.
All the best, pal.
Stella's due a feed, bottle's in the fridge.
Now it's Liam's big day tomorrow, so he needs an early night.
You could do with one too - you look like death warmed up.
Bye, Monica!
I want us all making a good impression.
This could be the start of something for Liam,
chance of a future without minimum wage stamped all over it.
FROM COMPUTER: Hiya, Mum! I can hear you a mile off.
I meant to text ya. I know what those Mediterranean types can be like -
straight, gay or bi - I imagine they're all the same. So use a condom.
Out!
And no matter how much they might try and convince you otherwise, don't swallow!
Can you catch an STD through oral?
MUSIC: James Bond theme
All right, Lillian?
- You OK? - Think it's just a bit of wind.
I know it's gonna be a late one, but if you stick to regulars only
and keep the music down, we'll turn a blind eye.
Nice one, Stan.
She's got the hots for you there, Micky.
Oh, not my type.
It's got a fanny, what more your type do you need?
- Go on, buy her a drink. - Aw...
- If he doesn't want to... - Once he gets a little sniff of her,
his brain'll switch off and his cock'll kick in. Guaranteed.
- Mayday. - Eh?
View To A Kill.
And you are?
Er, Micky.
I mean, right, yeah...
Daniel Craig, innit? Er...James...
Casino.
I need a slash.
Vast improvement, Frank.
Thuck oth.
- I could do you for that. - In your dreams.
MOBILE RINGS
Evenin', all!
OVER RADIO: Stan, Stan!
Tom?
They've got me, the lock-ups, back of Stansfield Road!
5705 to base, back-up required!
I was hoping that wasn't all padding.
Oh, look, I'm sorry. I can't. I mean, I'd love to,
but me girlfriend's at home pregnant, you know what I mean,
with triplets and that, she's due any sec... Fuck me!
(LAUGHS) You wait your turn.
How did you know I was, you know, how could you tell I...?
You were the only man in there other than me who knew
all the words to Diamonds Are Forever.
Now...
what's on offer?
I'm packing eight. And we're talking Imperial,
not metric, if you get my...drift!
Aargh! Oh, no, no!
(Sobbing) Fuck! Oh, fuck!
(Sobbing) Fuck! Fuck!
LAUGHS
There's Pinky and Perky!
Your cozzy's spot on.
- Thank you. - Same again?
Yeah. Give the lad a hand.
I just wanted to see you again.
Well, it isn't exactly the best place.
Please go, go. I'll call you.
What? What?!
I'd forgotten how nice your smile was, that's all.
LAUGHTER
See you tomorrow, yeah?
Wear something casual.
And don't forget to shave.
Have a break. I'll check on you when it settles.
Sexiest women on the estate.
I only made it to number 17?
It's all down to points, apparently - face, tits, arse, legs.
Yeah, my Kelly's got all of them.
And what do you mark the blokes out of, then? Personality, intelligence?
Length, girth, stamina, if you must know.
Which is the reason why my little black book's so fuckin' empty.
LAUGHS
- What's the S stand for? - If I've shagged 'em.
B for a blow job, W for a wank,
- F for finger... - What's UTS, then?
Up the shitter.
Micky, look after the bar for five minutes?
I'm on a night out!
Harry Potter?
Cock off, Harry Potter!
I'm Boris Grishenko, Goldeneye.
Listen, no freebies and no credit.
Leave 'em on. Put 'em on, they look good.
Karen...
Ambulance, quick!
Me and you, son, we'll go in the ambulance.
- I'll get the car, follow with the boys. - What about this place?
Leave it with me.
No, no. Panic over, panic over.
Idiot, wasting our time.
How'd you get to be this childish?
Ask Stan - he started it.
Salt in my tea, porn mags in my file.
You're lucky I didn't leave you there all night!
They pulled that unit from a near riot in Ancoats for you.
First thing you do, go grovel to the Super.
Second, find Stan and apologise.
He'll be fine. You know Stan,
he's probably watching us now, pissing himself laughing.
Bar...person, another three pints, on my tab.
- Cash only tonight, pal. - Worth a try.
Jesus, it's like a morgue in here.
Oh, fuck me. Bang on cue, Goldminger.
Oh, you look great, Lillian.
Must've taken a bit of time to get all that together.
No, I've had this years. Used to wear it for my Brendan.
- Oh? - You know, Sunday nights, like.
She'll be OK.
I hope so.
I didn't even know you were trying for a baby.
We weren't.
Course you weren't. No Maguire man tries for a baby.
I only had to hang my kecks on the bedpost and your mother was up the spout.
You'll all be the same.
Well...
Have you been to the toilet?
- Mm-hm. - Good lad!
- I'm all dressed up, you know? - No, come on. Where you going? Out!
- What do you mean, "Where you going?" - No, not that way! Out!
Bloody hell!
We'll go via the A roads.
That'll take forever.
No, it'll be nice driving round the countryside.
We've got three hours to get to Blackpool,
we're taking a longer route - for what, aesthetics?
(Frank) Am I being ignored here?
I'll take that as a yes.
(Shouting) Guys!
MOUTHING
Shit!
Full Irish. White pudding, the lot.
Don't wanna be eating any of that hospital food, end up in a fuckin' coma.
Thanks, Mam.
How is she?
The doctor said she should be discharged this morning.
- And she's OK? - Yeah, she will be.
< Brings it all back.
You lose a child, your life's never the same.
We'll wait for her, bring her home together.
Show her we care, that the whole family's behind her.
She doesn't like much fuss, Mum.
Or says she doesn't. But at a time like this...
I tell you what might be a better idea, Mam.
How's about we go back and get pub ready, eh?
Your mother says we wait, we wait.
Yeah, but Karen's not gonna wanna come back to...
Well, you know? No-one's cleaned up yet, have they?
You're right. We've got things to do.
We'll make sure the flat's spick and span.
There won't be a pin out of place.
God, you're still glowing like you've had a fortnight in Chernobyl.
Do you think we should flick it with some Holy Water?
You know, in case he's still there? Give him a bit of a send-off?
There's not gonna be much of that here, is there?
Could get some soda water or summat, I'll give it a blessing.
Ugh!
Aargh!
You two all right?
Fine, thanks.
We got you one with a...
mattress protector on it, so if you have any mishaps in future
you just give it a quick wipe, sorted.
Sorry, mate.
I...
I know what it is you're going through, mate.
You reckon?
Kelly had that phantom pregnancy, remember?
Felt like I'd been robbed.
Beaten senseless
and robbed.
And no-one knows that pain, mate.
Unless you've been there, that is.
You should've said.
Not like you could've done owt, is it?
We could go out for a drink sometime, couldn't we?
Head into town, maybe?
Yeah.
Yeah, that'd be good.
What's with the fucking flowers?
I know this couldn't have come at a worse time.
The lad you left in charge last night...Joe?
We checked the safe. It's empty.
God knows how much you took over the bar last night.
I've not seen people knocking 'em back like that in a long while.
- Straight to voicemail. - Tried ringing Mandy.
She's not answering.
Wait till I get my hands on her.
- You stupid, stupid bastard! - I'm sorry.
I didn't mean for this to happen, it was a joke!
A joke?!
Led Stan to believe you'd been murdered just to get one up on him?
I'm as disgusted as you are.
I tried his mobile earlier, he isn't picking up.
Well, he might answer when he sees it's me.
MOBILE RINGS
Stan?
It's OK, it's OK!
I'm not dead! Stan, it was a joke!
It was a wind-up!
Where've you been? We've all been worried sick.
I think you'd better go.
Call me. When he starts talking.
Stan? Mate, I'm sorry!
- Well played! - You two keep your mouths shut
and there'll be plenty more where that came from.
- Round one to us, I think! - Thank you!
Norma, we've got less than two hours to get there!
- You think I don't know that?! - Well, call the breakdown services.
My membership ran out a month ago.
Well, look, let's pool our resources and see how much we've got, eh?
We won't have enough.
And even if we had the cash, time's totally against us.
- Great(!) - Debbie!
I'm sorry!
Just imagine. Liam's whole life could've changed,
just like that. Happens, doesn't it?
I said I'm sorry.
His chance to escape.
That place.
Those people...
We are those people.
Oh.
It was a joke!
There's plenty of time for kids.
You're both young, healthy.
Plenty of time.
Mam, I'm all right, honest.
BLEEPING
Ah, yes!
Hey, no smoking! Can't you read?
Yeah, that's why I don't work in a fuckin' café.
(Frank) So what now, Einstein? We'll need a fucking miracle to get there on time.
HEAVENLY CHOIR SINGS
MUFFLED ARGUING
ENGINE STARTS
Norma! Norma, it's started!
Come on!
Loaves into fishes! Water into wine! Blind men can see!
- Wait! - City win the league!
- Hurry up! - For fuck's sake!
Oh, I'm shagged out!
Hey, Blackpool here we fucking come, mate!
The wailing wall's gone, thank fuck.
I said your mam's gone.
We need crisps - cheese 'n' onion - and cashews.
Jamie, cheese 'n' onion and cashews.
I'll get down the cellar.
We're out.
Cash 'n' carry, then.
No time.
Nip round to Yvonne's and see if she can sub us.
You are all right about all this, aren't ya?
Yeah, fine.
Wasn't like it was planned.
If it had've been, I'd be gutted.
We got things to do, places to see.
It's gonna be a lot easier doing that round-the-world trip
without a nappy bag and a buggy, eh?
I know I've never really talked about it, but, well, kids...
Cards on the table, Jamie,
I've never really wanted any.
You?
No.
Crisps, yeah?
Thought I'd get this back to you
before you sent the sniffer dogs out.
Got your messages. And the other eleven from my mother.
- Nice to be trusted. - Sorry, things've been...
No matter how they are, I'd never rob my own brother.
I'm just glad to see the back of it.
I haven't slept all night. The till roll's in there.
Nice one, Joe.
I'm sorry, Sis.
Forgiven.
Best phone Mum and Dad, let them know you've surfaced.
If you're not doing anything, could do with a hand getting this place ready.
Sure.
Cheers for last night, man, you're a lifesaver.
And I'm sorry too, mate.
I don't really know what to say, but...
A kid would've just cramped me style.
I said I'd give Jamie a hand.
It'll have to wait. We need to be somewhere.
Where?
Jamie and Karen should be here by now.
Mandy's been in touch.
They're not up to it, God help them.
Hit them hard. Knew it would.
Mam, Dad.
This is my girlfriend, Grace.
Grace Jones.
Jones? You Welsh, then?
Sorry for your loss.
Thanks. Would you like a drink?
No. I'm all right, thanks.
Seen the size of her feet?
I thought you said it were a miscarriage?
Oh, that? It's...symbolic.
Some bollocks more like.
If you ask me, you've had a lucky escape.
I wouldn't be without mine,
but parenthood isn't all it's cracked up to be. Look at Angelina and Brad
tripping about with their brood in tow,
make it look like a piece of piss. All flip-flops and cheesecloth.
- I'll get you a box back tomorrow. - Guaranteed, when they're at home,
straight off to the nanny's.
Angie and Brad feet up, couple of cans, watching telly.
Can you imagine her changing a shitty nappy? Can you?
With those nails, she'd rip their arse to shreds.
He used to be so full of life. Now, since Tom's...
Prank.
..prank...it's like there's a light gone out in his eyes.
He's not half the man he was.
- Don't overdo the tears. - So how much are we making on this?
While Stan's on full wages, £30 a week each.
If he gets compensation, a 10% cut, two-week family holiday a year,
Florida, not open to negotiation, and a Christmas bonus.
Yeah, but we don't do Christmas.
Stan does. Anyway if it all goes tits up,
it'll be six month in Strangeways for fraud.
Sorry.
Nine.
- What the fuck's that? - Pressie for the nipper.
Manchester United?!
Fuck that.
- Celtic? - Name me one football team from Belfast.
What?
I know it's mental, you know it's mental.
Just go along with it for my sake, yeah?
Named him after the patron saint of unborn children, Saint Gerard.
- What, Stevie? - Gerard Majella.
Someone just told us in the pub. I didn't believe it.
- I don't know why I didn't believe it! - I thought you'd told them?
How could I tell them?
You knew about this?
I thought it'd be best to get it out the way
and hopefully you'd never find out...
- You'd never know. - Well, it's a bit late now, innit?
Fuck...right...off.
That's the grief talking.
Have you been sniffing your own produce?
- You're upset, but watch your mouth. - You gonna let her talk like that?
Are you gonna cancel this fuckin' carnival?
A child died.
It wasn't at the stage to be a boy or a girl, Dad!
It was a boy. A Maguire's first born is always a boy!
I was three weeks late for my period. For God's sake!
This is warped.
Gerard had a soul and we're saving it.
I should be fucking furious...
but d'you know what? I'm not.
Because I had a lucky escape.
Imagine giving birth to anything with their blood in it.
You'll thank us come Judgement Day! No grandson of mine's
knocking about in purgatory.
I want him at God's side before the Devil knows he's dead!
I was gonna ask them, did they want to put anything in the coffin?
Did you put my pressie and letter in?
I'm sorry, I can't...
But I thought you liked me?
I did. I do. But this?
I never thought I'd say this, but all this?
It's just too fucking weird.
(Paddy) Micky!
(Norma) I love the seaside.
There's something quintessentially British about it, don't you think?
(Liam) What's quintessential mean?
Look at that.
(Norma) No, I love it here.
(Monica) It's got a certain charm, but I prefer Lesbos.
We're delighted you allowed Liam to attend, truly delighted.
- So, er, what are his chances? - Good. Very good.
In fact, he's the last of the boys to be seen today
and, to be honest, I think the best, facially.
- So is it you who decides? - It's a joint decision.
When will you make it?
Well, we'll take a few test shots, see how he looks, about half an hour?
Oh, so he could win it?
It depends on how he reacts in front of the camera, the pressure.
A lot of boys don't like that much attention.
Oh, he loves it,
loves being the centre of attention, doesn't he, Frank?
Yeah, a born performer.
And a fantastic face. Tells its own story, don't you think?
All right, Carl?
70p, love.
Sorry...
You can keep the change.
Five...
- What? - Er, nothing.
Cheeky bastards, the lot of them.
- They're my family. - That's worse.
I don't want 'em in here, Jamie. I don't want 'em anywhere near me.
Can't bar them, Karen.
I can and I fucking will.
Wait until you've calmed down before you do anything.
You know, one thing guaranteed to make my blood boil -
is being told to twatting calm down!
How many out of ten did you give Karen?
Nine.
Fiery. She'd be a right goer.
What did I get?
I'm not in there?
Eight out of ten.
Five. But let's see if we can improve on that, shall we?
Who the...?!
Oh, since the girls on the estate heard what you were doing...
Six? Shane's got fuckin' seven!
Me dad's got fuckin' five!
Whoa, we're losing altitude.
Six?!
Liam, I want us to go for a real sad look now, please.
Look at the camera.
- Like Norma. - Shut up!
Always witty, Frank. Always witty.
So, um, if Liam's chosen, he'll be the face of what exactly?
A national campaign aimed at highlighting the misery
of a small but significant section of society.
Who?
Those without voices.
- Westlife? - The invisible.
Could you be a little more specific?
If Liam is chosen,
he'll be giving hope to thousands, maybe even millions.
The numbers of those suffering are almost impossible to calculate.
Suffering what, exactly?
Abuse. He'll be portraying an abused child.
So when you look at my son, Liam, that is how you see him?
Not at all. I see...
A fantastic face - telling it's own story!
Monica! Monica!
I think there's been a misunderstanding...
And what a story! Knocked about, beaten by his unloving parents, neglected,
without a voice, without hope. Does he look unhappy? Malnourished?
Knocked about? Does he?
You're blowing this out of all proportion.
You want a face for a national campaign about abuse?
If you don't get out my fucking way, you'll have one!
Projecting abuse!
He's never been smacked in his life!
People don't take that much notice of faces, Mon,
it's the message that sinks in,
and if Liam's face can help that message get through, who knows?
It could help to save some poor kiddy's life.
Not only that, they said they'd up his fee to a grand.
What, he's got the job?
They've sent all the other lads home.
He's just what they're looking for, apparently.
Oh, come on, let's just get this thing done and get home, eh?
MOUTHS
Cash!
That's not possible.
Liam, in the van!
Where are we going to raise money with such short notice?
Ha! You've got cash cards, credit cards, expense accounts.
Cash.
- (Frank) Come on, Liam. - Come on.
The doctor said, as far as Stan's concerned,
he's locked in the moment of discovering you hanging.
So what's the next move?
If I can get him to stop crying for long enough,
I might be able to start talking him round, but until then...
Tell him I'm really sorry, Yvonne.
I went too far.
I will. When he's lucid.
He could lose his job!
That's his fault! You could've had a piggin' heart attack.
I like having you around. Brew?
My turn. You put your feet up.
OK, and again, please, Liam.
Right, this time, I want you to imagine your dad's a drunk,
an old junkie, OK?
Your mum's run off with someone and you haven't seen her for years,
it's just you and your sister all alone at home.
- He's just not getting it. - Liam, think of something really sad.
Like something terrible's happened.
And a little less panto? Any advice?
He's a happy soul. He takes after me.
But if we don't get a shot we can use...
OK, looking this way please, Liam.
That's it, it's brilliant!
What did you say?
It worked, didn't it?
Sorry about before. You know what me mam's like.
You OK?
I'm fine.
I will be.
It's just...kids. I dunno.
There's no law says you have to have 'em.
That's just it.
I don't...
I don't know.
Just not with Jamie.
When I look at him,
he doesn't say "Dad" to me.
I shouldn't be telling you this. You're his sister.
He's a bloke. I'm your mate.
I just don't know what I want any more.
I just don't know.
(Director) Well done, Liam.
Even more, if you can find a little bit more...
- Look, can't you just...? - Frank, we're OK here.
No, can you just finish up? The lad's upset.
- Nearly there. Just let us get this shot. - No, no, I said leave it!
I said, he's had enough! Right? Fuck off!
He-he-he!
Great team we make, eh, son?
Dad did his bit and got paid into the bargain.
Pull over, pull over. I'll just nip in and get a bit of steak.
- I don't really fancy cooking. - I'll cook and you can wash up.
I fancy that even less. No. Why don't we go for a meal?
No, I thought it'd be nice to have the family round the table.
I know you think we should put the cash aside
in case he wants to go to Oxford or Cambridge
but 50 quid isn't gonna put paid to that.
- That wasn't the deal. - Wasn't aware there was a deal.
We decided, if he gets the job,
he gets the money and spends it on what he wants.
How come I wasn't party to that?
Cos you weren't there...again!
Well, where was I?
Pub, getting your nails done,
getting your hair done, getting your bits waxed?
- You're not his mother, Debbie. - And you are?
Oh, stop it, there's no need.
Well, come on! >
Pizza?
You could get that Wii box you've had your eye on.
That PlayStation, that Xbox, you can get all three if you like.
Well, don't wait up.
(Frank) Carpe diem! Seize the day. Enjoy it while you can.
But be careful.
Because, as a truly great poet once said,
"You don't know what you got till it's gone. "
And as we all know,
once it's gone, there's no getting it back...
..even if you wanted to.
Frank!
Yeah!
MUSIC: James Bond theme